I suppose it's time to blog again. The setting is perfect: I'm sitting in a dark room with my laptop with ample time and enough thoughts. It's nighttime in Taiwan, and it's been 4 days since I left AID. Tomorrow, I set off back to reality. So let's see how I fare back there.
Seems like my place in reality is getting pretty dirty and rusty, but that's what happens if it isn't maintained well. There's definitely going to be a lot of cleaning up to do. But anyways, what happened these past few weeks is something difficult to describe in a single blog, since so many things have changed and priorities have rearranged regarding who I am and where I stand in this world. I'll try my best.
I can start with this: I've changed. I think that's a set fact everyone can agree on. For better or for worse, that's for you to decide, but from my perspective, I've finally learned to grow up. I've spent way too much of my time trying my best to please everyone, even being a pushover at times, and uselessly worrying so much about how I would be viewed from the outside world. Now I find myself asking my pre-AID self, "What the heck was your point in pleasing everyone if you could't even please yourself?" Call me selfish, I really don't care, but I'm putting myself first from now on, and if being myself can please others, good for me and good for them. And if that just pisses people off, so be it. And so following that, I can say that I realized how much time I wasted, lacking my own defined persona and just waving around in the wind, being what other people wanted me to be. You could call that some sort of identity crisis.
Don't get me wrong, I still value friendship as much as I always did. Real friendships at least.
But things will be different. Find out yourself.
Now, to AID.
As said above, the closest and most accurate cliche I can relate it to is "a breath of fresh air." Although I probably didn't find it necessary before, this "fresh air" was a very much needed escape from the world of Irvine, which, from my current perspective, was more insulating and tight of a bubble than I ever thought. For me two months ago, I mistakingly thought I had understood mostly everything to an acceptable extent. So naturally, I felt fine the way I was. There was no need for change, no need for deep thought, and no need to reevaluate myself at all.
4 weeks later, after a week in Taipei getting to know each other and the new environment of Taiwan (especially the weather), 2 weeks in Wen-Zi Elementary School teaching 4th graders English, and a week all over Taiwan with the fabulous Bus D of central tour, I've definitely found the need to reevaluate myself.
(I've found many different things to fix, but one is enough to bore anyone to tears. Even I'm bored from reading this again.)
There's the fact of how I took so many things for granted. Laugh all you want, but I doubt you've ever fully realized, and I mean fully, how much extra luxury you find in Irvine. Over in Pintung, the county I taught, the entire school field was ruined from the flood last year along with the entire first floor, so there's already one thing to be thankful about. No floods in Irvine. Be happy. I can go on all about how many of the kids didn't have their own computers or even access to internet, yes we're all very lucky to have those, but I think the thing I took for the most granted was time. These past 4 weeks have been the busiest weeks of life so far, the first week learning how to teach, the second and third weeks deciding what to teach the morning before, and the fourth being continual tour and play and staying up all night. But there was never idle time, never any boredom, and that's because I found myself doing something actually meaningful, rather than wasting away on facebook in front of the computer. I found myself working on the teaching plans, writing my journal, having deeper conversations with Jason, talking and having fun with the group, and playing baseball or basketball with the local high schoolers. And I have to add that I did improve in basketball, and I'm up for playing 3 on 3 back in Irvine.
But I, inadvertently, found myself handling time much better than I ever did before these past 4 weeks, and I plan to continue this streak back at home. So in the next few weeks, I'll find myself starting my college apps, AP homework, hopefully going to the park more, hopefully having some myindigoheart time, and most definitely watching Gossip Girl. Oh shut up, I promised myself to watch the first season. And second. But one thing is for sure: you'll never find me post a "boreddddddddddd" status on facebook.
Maybe if I feel like exposing my entire mindset to the world I can continue droning on about AID, but one is enough for today. Enough to give you the possibility that I might actually be turning into a more mature person.
There's definitely some drama back home that needs to be addressed, but that's not what a blog is for. I believe that a blog is for expressing ideas, not resolving problems with other people, so if you, you know who you are, were expecting an apology of some sort or some explanation, that's not going to be found here anytime soon. You'll find it when I'm talking to you in person. Sorry for being so blunt and harsh sounding, but try learning something that I learned over here in Taiwan. Try learning how to deal with things. Expect a call sometime soon when I get back in America.
Thank you very much for reading, I'm off to sleep, and yes, I've turned into some specie of douchebag.
